Our Talk Works

As a marriage and family therapist, I have encountered many clients who struggle with painful, unhealthy, or simply dissatisfying relationships with siblings, parents and other family members. Unlike friendships and romantic relationships, which you choose based on your common interests, chemistry, shared sense of humor, mutual appreciation of each other’s qualities, enjoyment of your time together, etc. your family is a group of individuals you are born into, with whom you may only share a common history or upbringing. Many people say they wouldn’t have chosen their family, or to be in a relationship with certain family members. And, while we can’t choose our family of origin, we can choose what kind of relationship to have with family members.

Here are the steps to take to manage difficult family relationships:

1. Identify what feels uncomfortable, unhealthy or dissatisfying in your relationship. Is there a history of abuse in the relationship that continues to haunt you and make you feel unsafe? Or, is there emotional or verbal abuse still occurring? Or, is your family member just simply someone who you can’t connect with or relate to, or someone who you just don’t really like? The reason for the discomfort is important, because it guides you in deciding how or if to relate to this family member.

2. Then ask yourself: Is this family member someone I want to have some kind of relationship with? Determine if your desire to have a relationship with this family member is coming strictly from a sense of obligation or feeling that you “should” have a relationship with him or her, or whether it is also coming from a place of genuine interest in being connected to this person. Maybe it is a little bit of both, which is normal. If it is just obligation you are feeling toward this person, this may help you decide what kind of relationship — if any — to maintain with him or her. Relationships that are solely based on obligation can be very draining, emotionally and physically, so you may want to consider limiting time, energy and contact within this type of connection.

3. Next determine what kind of relationship you would want to have — a close one where you speak or see each other on a weekly basis? A more distant one where you connect once or twice a year, or see each other only at big family gatherings? A relationship that consists of emails or phone calls only? There are different kinds of relationships, and it is important to give yourself permission to have any kind of relationship — or no relationship, depending on the circumstances — with family members. A lot of people get stuck believing that they must have a close relationship with parents and siblings. This isn’t always possible or healthy. It is okay to maintain a more distant or superficial connection, if this is what is healthy for you. Again, this may take coming to terms with this reality — which can be a challenge. After all, it is normal to fantasize about being “best friends” with a sister or brother, or being able to confide in a parent. It is a loss to NOT be able to have these kinds of relationships with family, AND there are other ways to get these needs met — i.e. through friends, your romantic partner.

4. Next ask yourself: is there a way to heal, repair, or resolve the problem with this family member? Would this require a conversation? A series of conversations? Would it require entering therapy together? Is time and distance the answer? It is important to remember: if you decide to try to heal, repair or rebuild this relationship, you can control only your own part in the healing process. In order for the relationship to be fully repaired and improved, your family member also needs to contribute to the process. Your family member may or may not be willing or able to do his/her part to rebuild or change the relationship. If your family member cannot or will not participate in repairing the relationship, you may need to re-evaluate whether or not to maintain this relationship.

And, it is also important to be realistic in your expectations of this person and the situation. For example, if the real problem for you is that your sister is just an insensitive person with anger control issues, you need to know that she may not be able or willing to change. Or, if you are dealing with an alcoholic family member who refuses to seek treatment, you need to decide if you can have a relationship with this person under these conditions. Because you cannot count on these individuals changing; instead you need to decide if you can maintain a relationship with them as they are now.

5. If there is no way for you to feel safe and healthy with a member of your family– for instance if the history of abuse is traumatic and there has been no acknowledgement of, or attempt to repair from, the abuse by the perpetrator, OR if some kind of abuse continues to happen — then find a way to limit or cut off contact. Take care of yourself. You have a choice — and the right — to maintain or sever a relationship with a family member.

6. And, finally, if necessary, create your own family or support system. This allows you to actually choose people who actively support you, people who you like, admire, respect and feel safe with. Seek out supportive friendships and other relationships with people who are consistent and reliable. Feed these relationships by maintaining regular contact, reciprocating support, and including these individuals in your celebrations, holiday plans, and other rituals. This “family of choice” can help you to feel a part of a larger group of loving, caring individuals.

Related Posts

This past week, after nearly two weeks of in-home hospice care, my grandmother passed away. It is natural when we lose someone to re-evaluate what is most important — and what is ultimately unimportant — in life, in order to determine how to make our own lives more meaningful, rewarding and fulfilling, and in order to live life without any regrets.

As a marriage and family therapist and as a daughter and grand-daughter, the situation with my grandmother highlights the importance of resolving, and healing from, conflicts with loved ones, and prioritizing the “bigger picture” in order to live life without regrets.

My father dropped everything to fly across the country in order to be there for his mother’s last two weeks of life. He was able to share some special, and very ordinary moments with her, like eating stawberry ice cream, taking long walks, and reminiscing about the past. They were able to say goodbye to each other. He is now sad and grieving the loss of his mother, of course, but feels resolved, as if everything that needed to be said or expressed, was.

In contrast, his two siblings refused to come spend time with their mother because of unresolved conflicts over issues that, in the scheme of things, are very insignificant. These conflicts — one of them over money, and one of them over clashing opinions that happened years ago– kept these two individuals from being able to say good bye to their mother, and resolve long-standing conflicts that will continue to stay with them.

I share my family story to offer perspective on what matters in life, and to help ensure that we keep what doesn’t matter from overshadowing this.

Here is what doesn’t matter:

Pride, being right, feeling superior, remaining a victim….all of this is not only unimportant, but ultimately harmful in an individual’s emotional wellbeing and mental health. Allowing our pride and need to be right to dictate our actions and behaviors means shutting out the people who matter most. It means ultimately feeling alone, either because you have shut out people and destroyed relationships over your need to be right, or because others can’t get close to you because your pride and need to be right make you closed off, judgmental, incapable of the softness and vulnerability that make intimacy and closeness possible. Plus, lets be honest: people who always need to be right, who won’t back down in an argument, and come from a place of ego and pride, are just not that likable.

Embarassment or shame about apologizing and admitting you were “wrong”. I keep thinking what would have happened if my Aunt had been able to say to her mother something like: “It is so ridiculous that I haven’t spoken to you for years over this stupid misunderstanding! I am so sorry about this! I really messed up. Can we put this behind us? Will you forgive me?” Or, if she had simply responded to one of my grandmother’s attempts to regain contact with her? Or, if she had just jumped on a plane and shown up at her mother’s bedside? Wouldn’t whatever embarassment she may have felt about her previous behavior been overshadowed by the relief she would have felt to have this conflict resolved? Wouldn’t her sense of being the “bigger person”, someone capable of apologizing and admitting her mistakes, feel better than nagging regret, guilt, and unresolve pain?

Here is what does matter:

Understanding the “bigger picture” and the larger meaning of your life and relationships. Is it more important, in the scheme of things, to be right or to feel fully resolved and at peace in your life and relationships? Next time you find yourself holding on so tightly to your sense of victimimization, your need to prove something, your need to be victorious in an argument, ask yourself: how is my behavior in this conflict benefitting me? How is being right/remaining a victim/proving my superiority benefitting me? And, how is it hurting me? What do I have to gain from my behavior? What do I have to lose from it?

Forgiveness. Forgiveness is one of the key ingredients to a healthy, happy life, a life without regrets. Holding on to blame and anger hurts YOU. Yes, it may cause pain to the person you are not forgiving, but ultimately carrying around that pain hurts you the most. So, you owe to yourself to forgive. Ask yourself what needs to happen in order for you to forgive the other person (or yourself)?

My wish is that you won’t need the death of a loved one to begin resolving conflicts in your relationships and living your life without regrets.

Related Posts

Are you feeling that something isn’t quite right in your life? Here is an article, by Kim Eickhoff, to help you begin assessing how to create a happier, more fulfilling life:

Creating a healthier and happier life is a process. Many of us live in a very fast paced society, which focuses on getting instant gratification. However, if we are going to live the life we are meant to live, we must be as healthy as we can in order to have the strength, energy, and stamina to create and do the things we want to do. This takes a combination of many tools and techniques, information and education, but most of all it takes courage. We must have the courage to first go within ourselves, so that we can honestly admit where we are in our lives right now; identify where it is we want to be in the future; create a plan that will move us in the direction we want our lives to go; and finally, begin taking action on our plan.

The first step to all of this though before we can begin to create the life we want is to honestly assess our lives holistically. From mental to physical, emotional to spiritual, we must be able to assess and say that this is where we must address various issues. If there is a part of our lives that is out of balance or unhealthy, it will effect the other areas of our lives. We are holistic beings. We cannot be healthy physically, if we are unhealthy emotionally. We cannot be healthy mentally, if we disrespect our bodies physically. Everything is connected. What we think effects how we feel, and how we feel effects how we act and behave. Then how we act and behave effects how we feel about ourselves, which again, effects what we think and tell ourselves. It is a circle and a cycle. Everything is connected, within ourselves as well as between us because how we feel about ourselves effects our relationships, jobs, and other activities.

So the very first step to creating a healthier and happier life is to first admit where it is we are having problems. This is not about judgment. Many of us are raised in families or societies that put harsh judgments around how we must behave, and if we step outside of those boundaries we are criticized or even punished. So it is natural that this step is difficult for most of us. It is hard to look at who we are, and where we are having problems without being afraid of the consequences of admitting that. But it isn’t about judgment or criticism. It is about identifying the place where we are starting from so that we can make real progress.

Assessing our lives openly and honestly takes courage. To be completely open and honest with your self about yourself, takes courage. However, assessing our lives openly and honestly is the only way to know what changes we must make. Just because we admit the truth about where we are, doesn’t mean that we have failed. In fact, in actuality we have triumphed. These challenges are really opportunities to learn about ourselves, to grow, to see that even though we see them as mistakes, these are things we are supposed to go through. These are our struggles. We all have them, and we must try to learn from them in order to heal, grow, and not repeat the same mistakes in the future. These mistakes are providing us with the opportunity to learn about ourselves, so that we can stay out of this cycle from now on. But we must assess honestly.

I think the hardest thing about assessing our lives is that on some level we all know when something doesn’t fit right. We can feel it deep down. However, because everything looks good on paper, we stick with it, hoping that it will get better, that things will work out the way they are “supposed” to work out. (Meaning the way we believe they should work out!) But on that deep level where we know this relationship is not right from the beginning, or that this job is not going to satisfy us, and we do not honor those intuitive feelings, that is what makes it so difficult. It is difficult because we don’t trust ourselves. We went against our gut. We knew what the right thing to do was, but we couldn’t trust ourselves enough to do it. (Learning to trust our selves and have faith in our intuition and gut feelings is another piece to creating a healthy and happy life that will be addressed in another issue.)

So what are some ways to assess your life? There are evaluations that are helpful for assessing where we are in our lives. I use many in my programs to help people see and understand as much as possible in black and white, where they are with their health and quality of life, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. One of the best ways though is to write. Journal about your feelings, your thoughts, and how you see your life. Is your perception of your life reality? How do you want to see and think about your life? Is that perception realistic? Reflect, spend time alone, write, but above all be honest! We do not hurt anyone else nearly as much as we hurt ourselves if we deny the truth about our lives. It is no one’s fault but our own that we are where we are. The sooner we get that and take responsibility for that, the faster we can make changes that will last. The longer we blame others or situations for our problems, the longer happiness and true health will evade us.

Kim Eickhoff helps others end their struggles with their health
and well-being. She is the owner of Working it Out, Within. Find out more by visiting the website, www.workingitoutwithin.com, or emailing
her at kim@workingitoutwithin.com.

Related Posts

In honor of Mother’s Day, I want to share the following article with you, taken from the National Women’s History Project website:
www.nwhp.org

History of Mother’s Day

Given the following possibilities, how many of us could pick the right answer?
Mother’s Day began:
• In 1858, when Anna Jarvis, a young Appalachian homemaker, organized “Mother’s Work Days” to improve the sanitation and avert deaths from disease-bearing insects and seepage of polluted water.
• In 1872, when Boston poet, pacifist and women’s suffragist Julia Ward Howe established a special day for mothers –and for peace– not long after the bloody Franco-Prussian War.
• In 1905, when Anna Jarvis died. Her daughter, also named Anna, decided to memorialize her mother’s lifelong activism, and began a campaign that culminated in 1914 when Congress passed a Mother’s Day resolution.

The correct answer: All of the above. Each woman and all of these events have contributed to the present occasion now celebrated on the second Sunday in May.

The cause of world peace was the impetus for Julia Ward Howe’s establishment, over a century ago, of a special day for mothers. Following unsuccessful efforts to pull together an international pacifist conference after the Franco-Prussian War, Howe began to think of a global appeal to women. “While the war was still in progress,” she wrote, she keenly felt the “cruel and unnecessary character of the contest.” She believed, as any woman might, that it could have been settled without bloodshed. And, she wondered, “Why do not the mothers of mankind interfere in these matters to prevent the waste of that human life of which they alone bear and know the cost?” Howe’s version of Mother’s Day, which served as an occasion for advocating peace, was held successfully in Boston and elsewhere for several years, but eventually lost popularity and disappeared from public notice in the years preceding World War I.

For Anna Jarvis, also known as “Mother Jarvis,” community improvement by mothers was only a beginning. Throughout the Civil War she organized women’s brigades, asking her workers to do all they could without regard for which side their men had chosen. And, in 1868, she took the initiative to heal the bitter rifts between her Confederate and Union neighbors. The younger Anna Jarvis was only twelve years old in 1878 when she listened to her mother teach a Sunday school lesson on mothers in the Bible. “I hope and pray that someone, sometime, will found a memorial mother’s day,” the senior Jarvis said. “There are many days for men, but none for mothers.” Following her mother’s death, Anna Jarvis embarked on a remarkable campaign. She poured out a constant stream of letters to men of prominence — President William Taft and former President Theodore Roosevelt among them — and enlisted considerable help from Philadelphia merchant John Wannamaker.

By May of 1907, a Mother’s Day service had been arranged on the second Sunday in May at the Methodist Church in Grafton, West Virginia, where Mother Jarvis had taught. That same day a special service was held at the Wannamaker Auditorium in Philadelphia, which could seat no more than a third of the 15,000 people who showed up. The custom spread to churches in 45 states and in Puerto Rico, Hawaii, Mexico and Canada. The Governor of West Virginia proclaimed Mother’s Day in 1912; Pennsylvania’s governor in 1913 did the same. The following year saw the Congressional Resolution, which was promptly signed by President Woodrow Wilson.

Mother’s Day has endured. It serves now, as it originally did, to recognize the contributions of women. Mother’s Day, like the job of “mothering,” is varied and diverse. Perhaps that’s only appropriate for a day honoring the multiple ways women find to nurture their families, and the ways in which so many have nurtured their communities, their countries, and the larger world.

Related Posts

This article is written by Susie Michelle Cortright. Enjoy!

I’m about to tell you a fundamental secret to preventing and treating mommy burnout.

Ask yourself: When was the last time you were “in the zone”?

When was the last time you experienced that hypnotic feeling of being so utterly concentrated that you lost track of the rest of the world?

When was the last time you were completely task-oriented, enveloped in a self-induced trance, hypnotized by the joy of just doing something - of being entirely focused on a single task?

It takes a great deal of discipline, but it is possible to cultivate this awareness - this attention - and to elevate the ordinary to the extraordinary. This mindfulness is meditation in itself.

When you are able to lavish this kind of singular attention on your kids, you honor them with the greatest gift in the world. And you unleash enormous focus, creativity, and energy for yourself.

Single-task orientation: We develop this present moment awareness, in part, by ending the multi-tasking that pervades a typical mom’s day.

When we live a life that has us cleaning the fridge while talking on the phone while baking cookies while toting a toddler, days, weeks, and our children’s birthdays slip by.

Ask yourself: Are you multi-tasking yourself into more stress? When you try to do too much at once, you raise your stress level, which diminishes your energy and puts you on the fast track to burnout.

Only mindless tasks should be multi-tasked, and there aren’t a lot of mindless tasks when kids are present. Decide which tasks (and people) deserve your full attention. Then give it.

As you do so, work on full-sensory awareness. What does your child’s hair smell like? How does she look at you? How does her hand feel in yours? What will you remember about this moment for years to come?

Think about how much better it is to slow down, to get lost in the moment, to appreciate every one of our God-given, miraculous moments by creating an environment of serenity, peace, and pure productivity. A place where there is no frantic, frenzied rushing but only a singular focus that guides us to the next task and the next, throughout the day.

Your life is made up of ordinary moments, and it’s foolish to rush them in an attempt to find a bigger, better, more dramatic moment. Joy exists in the mundane tasks, and learning to immerse yourself in them brings a quiet, powerful form of energy.

You will learn, gradually, how to savor this “everydayness.” Begin now.

Whenever you feel your attention start to shift away from the present, gently remind yourself to return. Focus on each of your senses in turn. At this very moment, what do you see, smell, hear, feel, taste?

Start small. Begin practicing mindfulness with a simple routine you do every day, such as brushing your teeth or making your bed. As you go through the routine, focus on what your body is feeling at each moment. Once those simple tasks can hold your full awareness, shift that awareness to the other tasks in your life.

When you start to feel as though your mind is slipping away from the present, bring yourself back by asking yourself “what am I doing?” Once again, focus on the physical sensations the activity produces.

It takes a great deal of discipline (and many, many reminders) to cultivate this level of awareness and attention, but you’ll feel more creative, focused, and alive if you can master it. I promise.

Author’s Bio
Copyright 2001 Susie Michelle Cortright
This article is excerpted from “More Energy
Now! How to Beat Mommy Burnout and Live with Vitality, Passion,
and Joy,” by Susie Michelle Cortright.
http://www.momscape.com/energy.htm

Related Posts

Here is an interesting fact, in honor of our upcoming holiday, Mother’s Day:

If stay-at-home mothers were paid, their salary would be $138,095, according to the latest research by Salary.com (reported by Reuters). Mothers with full-time jobs outside the home would pick up an additional $85,939.

Somehow, it seems that mother’s should be paid a lot more, doesn’t it?

Find a way to show your mother — or the mother in your life — how much she is worth to you and your family.

Related Posts

Do you and your partner have a regular date night?

If not, it is time to institute one. Why?

The importance of regular time together cannot be over-estimated.

Date night, whether it be once per week or once per month, is an important way to prioritize your relationship, reconnect, and stay connected to each other.

Date night is especially important for busy couples raising children, couples who have been together for a long time, and couples who feel more like roommates than romantic partners.

Date night is a way to carve out necessary time to focus on each other. Having one-on-one time with no interruptions is an important way to maintain, and even rebuild, intimacy. Without setting aside this time regularly, your relationship is likely to fall off your list of priorities, which can lead to problems down the road, including resentment, alienation and isolate from each other, affairs, and the two of you growing apart.

What are you supposed to do on date night? That is entirely up to you. It doesn’t matter if it is always romantic, or even at night. You don’t even have to go anywhere on your date. What is most important is that it is time together, not focused on anything but each other.

Give it a try and see how much it can improve your relationship.

Related Posts

Why is it that when faced with a problem our tendency is to find someone to blame? Nowhere is this more true than in relationships. In my work with couples, I all too often hear one member of the couple blame the other for whatever problems brought them to therapy. They are in therapy due to a poor sex life because the other never initiates, or “never wants to have sex”. Or I hear something like, “We have communication problems because he is always yelling”, or “We have trust issues because she doesn’t trust me.” Yet, rarely is it ever one person’s fault that the relationship is struggling to survive.

In a relationship, there are dynamics that occur between the two individuals. Both contribute to these dynamics. If there are communication problems, it means that both individuals are contributing to the problem — maybe one person yells, but they do so because their partner’s avoidance or attacks make them extremely angry and frustrated. While it is their responsibility to control, and more appropriately and calmly express, their anger and frustration, it is their partner’s responsibility to also communicate in a less provocative, more productive way. Similarly, if there are trust issues, both partners play a role in maintaining the trust problems and in ultimately healing the trust issues. While one partner may have had an affair, and therefore has responsibility for initially breaking the trust, the other partner has a responsibility to continue sharing their feelings, fears, and concerns, and deciding if they can forgive and help to rebuild the relationship.

In intimate relationships, our individual “issues”, communication styles, and feelings become closely connected, and in many ways intertwined, with our partner’s. Our issues and feelings don’t exist in a vacuum, but instead play out in response to our loved one (or to anyone we are interacting with for that matter). This is why we may behave differently around different people — different people bring out different feelings, qualities, and experiences in us. Our partner is often the person we are closest to, emotionally, and therefore someone we are most impacted by. How we act, feel, and what we experience is shaped by this person and our intimate relationship with him/her. So, individual issues inevitably become relationship issues.

So, next time you hear yourself saying or thinking, “It’s his issue, not mine!” about your partner, stop and examine your role in the problem or issue. What are you contributing to the problem? What is your piece of this? What is your role in fixing the problem? If you want to make change in your relationship, THIS (your role) is what you need to focus on. In fact, THIS, is all you have control of. Because you can’t change your partner, or control his/her behavior, your focus instead needs to be on changing your piece of the problem. If you change your behavior, change in the relationship is sure to follow.

A couples therapist is trained to help you understand relationship issues, and to resolve these issues as a couple. If you find you are struggling to understand what YOU can do to improve your relationship, give Talk Works a call! We would be happy to help.

Related Posts

Okay, so you have made that often scary and stressful leap into the world of therapy and are seeing a marriage counselor with your husband/partner/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other/you-fill-in-the-blank. But, the therapy just seems to be focusing on the problems, and nothing seems to be changing in your relationsihp. So, how do you decide if this is really working? And, what do you do if it isn’t?

Here are some things to know about couples counseling, in order to help you evaluate if you are getting your money’s worth or wasting your time:

1. First let me say that any questions or concerns about the therapy process ideally need to be brought to your therapist. Ask questions. At the beginning of therapy, ask how your therapist works. What is her/style or approach? How long does she/he typically see couples clients for (keep in mind that this will vary widely depending on the couple, BUT it is still a good question to ask in order to determine if your therapist has a more short-term or a longer-term approach). If therapy has already begun, it is still okay to ask questions. If you feel that you aren’t getting anywhere in therapy — i.e. seeing no changes in your ability to communicate with your partner, and/or not feeling any more clear or hopeful about the relationship — tell your therapist this. If you don’t feel comfortable raising these issues with your therapist, this is a sign that perhaps your working relationship with the therapist needs to be stronger. If you can’t ever get this comfortable with your therapist, she or he may not be the best fit for you. You need to be comfortable saying whatever is on your mind and being open and honest. If you are uncomfortable with the therapist in any way — maybe you don’t like her/his style, or don’t feel that she/he is really “getting” you or your partner — consider looking for a different therapist. Therapy will not work if you don’t feel safe, comfortable, and open.

2. Sometimes things get worse before they get better. Don’t get discouraged if your first few weeks of therapy leave you feeling more frustrated and conflicted. All the problems, challenges, issues, feelings need to come to the surface and see the light of day before they can be understood, discussed, and resolved. The beginning of therapy can be a time when all the problems are put out on the table and hashed through before you and your partner can begin finding ways to resolve them. This can lead to a great deal of anger, sadness, fear, anxiety and frustration. If you feel good about your therapist, feel that you and your partner have been able to be open and honest with her/him, and feel like she/he is getting to the issues that brought you into therapy, give it at least 4 sessions (6 sessions are even better!) before you decide to throw in the towel. Don’t expect therapy, in most cases, to be a quick fix.

3. Good therapy is not only about focusing on problems but about finding solutions and giving you new skills and tools. While therapy does inherently focus on problems, especially at the beginning stage, if it is going to be effective it should also give you new tools and solutions for resolving these problems. If you have been in therapy for months without learning any new tools, solutions or information that is helping you and your partner to make changes in how you relate to and communicate with one another, it is time to evaluate whether or not your therapy is working. While change takes time, after a couple of months of therapy, you should begin seeing at least small changes in your relationship. For example, you should have new communication tools, and a new way of understanding your relationship difficulties. You should also start to feel some kind of hope or forward movement.

If you are not, first ask yourself if you and your partner are both invested in the therapy process, and doing the work in between sessions. Are you both being honest and open in your therapy sessions? Are either of you you hiding anything? Also, ask yourself if you and your partner are both committed to your relationship in the same way. Do you both want to save, heal, improve and continue the relationship? Or, do you have different (possibly unspoken) agendas for the couples therapy and your relationship? It is time to get really honest with each other.

If you learn that you and your partner are not on the same page about what you want to accomplish in therapy and what you want your relationship to be, bring this to therapy, and work on THAT. It could be that therapy helps you to more amicably separate, or helps you redefine what you want for your lives and from each other. Therapy can be used to help you clarify if you and your partner can get on the same page, and what to do if you can’t. But, it can only do this, if you are honest and open with this information in your therapy sessions. If you are not, then therapy will continue to spin its wheels in place, allowing you both to stay stuck.

If you determine that you and your partner are on the same page, and are doing the work in session and in between sessions, it is time to evaluate whether your therapist is truly helping you meet your relationship goals. Is your therapist giving you tools to enable you to make the necessary changes in your relationship? Is your therapist addressing the issues that are causing the problems? Is your therapist keeping you and your partner focused on what is best for your relationship? Do you leave some or most of the sessions feeling like you are learning good information, skills, or gaining valuable insight into yourself and your relationship? If the answer to these questions is “no” it may time to explore whether or not another therapist could be more effective with you. Again, this is an appropriate issue to raise with your therapist in order to help you assess this. There is nothing wrong with saying that the therapy isn’t working — even the most talented, skilled therapists will not be a good fit for everyone.

4. Even the most effective therapy will change your relationship ONLY if you do the necessary work. I know, I know! You think that paying a therapist means that she or he is the one who needs to do all the work to make your relationship wonderful. Well, guess what? At least 80% of the work to be done is yours. You and your partner will need to actually use the information, insight, and tools learned in therapy to make the improvements and changes in your relationship. If you sit back and wait for your therapist to “fix” you, you are really wasting your time and money. This means that you need to consciously make the changes that are identified as necessary in your therapy — changes in how you communicate, how you interpret your partner’s behavior, how you interact with your partner, how you prioritize the relationship, etc. If you find yourself unmotivated to do this kind of work and make these kinds of changes, maybe you need to ask yourself how you truly feel about this relationship. Do you want it? Are you committed to it?

So, good for you for seeking help with your relationship! Hopefully these tips will give you a starting point for evaluating how much help you are receiving!

Related Posts

As a therapist, I often hear the question: How do I know if I need therapy? While this is often a complicated question with an even more complicated answer (I won’t even get into the philosophical debate about whether or not anyone truly “needs” therapy ), here are some signs that seeking professional assistance could be a good idea:

1. You notice a change in your feelings and behavior that affect your quality of life. This could be a subtle change, such as having difficulty getting out of bed in the morning, feeling a little “blah”, bored or restless, or feeling like life just isn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. Or it may be a more dramatic change such as unexplainable tearfulness and sensitivity, mood swings, conflicts with friends, family or coworkers, inability to concentrate, or changes in sleeping and eating patterns. While the dramatic changes may warrant greater concern and need for intervention, even the subtle changes in mood and behavior can indicate a need for further evaluation and assessment, and possible treatment, especially if your quality of life is being negatively affected. These changes could indicate a depressed mood, increased anxiety, or a need for some kind of life change. Seeking help from a therapist could help with any of these scenarios — because therapist is trained to assess mood and treat mood disorders such as depression and anxiety, and to assist clients with making healthy life changes.

2. You feel stuck and keep repeating the same negative patterns in your life, work, and relationships. Do you find yourself feeling stuck in the same unhealthy situations or relationships? Perhaps you notice themes in your relationships, such as feeling used, dissatisfied, or misunderstood. Maybe you have conflicts with the people in your life, both at home and at work, or you consistently feel disconnected from the people in your life. Maybe you have a pattern of setting goals and then not achieving them, or trying to make changes in your life but not being able to carry out those changes, or not feeling good after making the changes. What is a pattern? I would say that something may be a pattern if you experience it three or more times in different scenarios or relationships over a short period of time, such as 3 months to a year. A therapist can help you get unstuck and break these patterns. How? First by identifying what is underlying your tendency to play out the pattern over and over again, and second by helping you to develop new tools and skills to be able to break the pattern and do things differently.

3. You feel unhappy, dissatisfied or unfulfilled more days than not, OR are simply looking for greater joy and fulfillment. If you are persistently not feeling happy or fulfilled in your life, something is wrong. While it is not uncommon to have life throw some stressors our way every now and then which can get us down, if you are consistently feeling unhappy and dissatisfied regardless of what is going on around you, it is time to take action. You could be depressed (see above, #1), have unresolved issues from your past, or you could just be in need of more joy and fulfillment in your life. Or if you sense that you could just feel better, feel even more fulfillment and satisfaction in your life, therapy could benefit you. A therapist can help you to identify what would create more joy in fulfillment in your life, help you clear away any obstacles to achieving more happiness and life satisfaction, and give you tools for creating this life change. Maybe the answer is a more satisfying relatonship or more fulfilling work. Maybe it is healing from a past loss, or forgiving yourself or soimeone else for a painful situation. A therapist can help you figure this out.

4. You are in an abusive relationship. This is a BIG red flag that you need help. It doesn’t matter if the abusive relationship is with a partner, a friend, a family member or someone at work. You need help getting out of it, healing from it, resolving whatever issues lead you to it in the first place, and preventing it from happening again. Does a relationship feel bad, but you don’t know if it is “abusive” or not? A therapist can help you figure this out. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Seek help.

5. You think about hurting yourself or someone else. This is another big warning sign that you need help. Sometimes grief, depression, and unresolved anger can become so intense that they lead to these kinds of harmful thoughts. It is important that you have the support and guidance of a professional to help you through this.

This is, of course, not an exhaustive list! But, it is a start if you are wondering if therapy could benefit you.

Related Posts